Patient to his doctor: I have forgotten so many things lately, and
it’s getting worse. What can I do?
Doctor: Yes, this is a known illness, unfortunately it has no cure.
I’d also like to remind you about the 800 USD that you owe me?
A camel meets an elephant. The elephant asks jokingly: “Why do you have two breasts on your back?” The camel replies: “With a face like yours, I’d just shut up.”
I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me. Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?
I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me. Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?
Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?
And more importantly, where is my hamster?
Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”
“Mom, how come I still didn’t get my period? I mean I’m already 19 and Janet got hers when she was just 13!”
“Listen to me, Brian, you’re NOT getting a period ever!”
Peter comes very drunk home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?” “No”, she replies sleepily.
“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!”
Emily replies groans: “Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!”
Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place and they just can’t shut up asking you stupid questions like “what do you want” and “who are you” and “omg is that a real gun?”
Would you cheat on your wife? On whom else would I be cheating?!
Judge: “Why did you steal the car?” Man: “I had to get to work.” Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?” Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.
In a bakery:
Man to the shop assistant: “I’ll have that thing there, please.” Shop assistant: “Cupcake?”
Man: “OK, Cupcake, I’ll have that thing there, please.”
I’ve read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently that I made a new, firm New Year’s resolution: NO MORE READING!
Two blind dudes are fighting really viciously. How do you stop them?
You shout, “I’m betting on the dude with the knife!”
Some nice Chinese couple gave me a very good camera down by the Washington Monument.
I didn’t really understand what they were saying, but it was very nice of them.
Mom, do you know that most of my friends got the new iPhone already?
Son, do you know the foster home down by the crossroads?
Did anyone notice that the “&”symbol looks like a dog dragging his butt across the floor?
A guy goes to the doctor: “Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking in my right eye that I just can’t control.” Doctor: “Ah come on, it’s not so bad as you think.”
Guy: “Oh, you think?! Every time I go to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!”
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting
alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes and a glass eye
comes flying out of her socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches
it from the air and hands it back to her.
“This is so embarrassing,” the woman says, and she pops her eye back in
place. “I’m sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you.
May I join you?” He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, “You are the most charming woman I’ve ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies. “You just happened to catch my eye.”
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains,
“It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”
“Hasn’t affected my brothers though.”
How one spelling mistake in a hurry can ruin your life.
While I was away on a business trip I wrote a romantic message to my wife and I missed an “e”. Now this mistake has caused me to seek police protection to enter my own house. All I wrote was, “Hi darling I’m enjoying and experiencing the best time of my life & I wish you were her!
WORDS THAT ARE HARD TO SAY WHEN DRUNK
WORDS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
WORDS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
WORDS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I’m married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. No thanks, I’m not hungry.
5. I’m not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and would hate to look like a real Fool!
7. Oh no, I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
I think seniors are very SMART! Great Advice!
1. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
2. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
3. You know that “thingy” little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
4. I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim” I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
5. Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought “nap time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
6. The biggest lie I tell myself is…”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
7. I don’t have grey hair; I have “wisdom highlights.” I’m just very wise.
8. Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
9. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have placed them on my knees.
10. Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
11. Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.
12. At my age “getting lucky” means walking into a room and actually remembering what I came in there for.
13. I am what is called a “Seenager” (senior teenager).
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. I have an ID that gets me into bars and the whiskey store.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
THE VALUE OF A GOOD VOCABULARY
I called an old classmate and asked what he was doing.
He replied that he was working on “Aqua-thermal treatment of
ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment.”
I was impressed…
Upon further inquiring, I learned that he was
washing dishes with hot water under his wife’s supervision.
DATING IN THE SENIOR CITIZENS CENTER
Dorothy and Edna, two “senior” widows, are talking.
Dorothy: “That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”
Edna: “Well, I’ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what’s there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me – three times!”
Dorothy: “Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn’t go?”
Edna: “No, no, no… I’m just saying, wear an old dress.”
JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN
A guy calls the company and orders their 5 day – 5kg weight loss program.
The next day, there’s a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from J.C.. Dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. The sign reads, ‘If you can catch me, you can have me.’ Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has Lost 5kgs as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5day – 10kg program.
The next day there’s a knock at the door and standing before him is
The most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her
Neck that reads, ‘If you catch me, you can have me’.
Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually
Getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers
That he has lost another 10kgs, as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day – 25kg program.
‘Are you sure?’ asks the representative on the phone.. ‘This is our most rigorous program.’
‘Absolutely,’ he replies, ‘I haven’t felt this good in years.’
The next day there’s a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds
A huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes
And a sign around his neck that reads,
‘If I catch you, you’re mine.’
He lost 31kgs that week…
Lying around, pondering the problems of the world,
I realized that, at my age,
I don’t really give a rats anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish,
and drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs, and hops, and only lives15 years,
while a tortoise doesn’t run,
and does mostly nothing,
yet it lives for 150 years.
And they tell us to exercise? I don’t think so.
Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.
7. Some days, you’re the top dog, some days you’re the hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
12. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.
13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
14. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
15. It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They’re everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth..
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . .
I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m “here after”.
18. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
I would like to share an experience about drinking and
As you know some people have brushes with the authorities
on their way home. Well I for one have done something about it.
The other night I was out for a dinner and a few drinks, and having had
far too much vino, and knowing full well I was over the limit, I did something
I have never done before.
I took a bus home and arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise,
I have never driven a bus before.
A good fish tale……..
Alaska (where life is tough and humor is dark):
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an
Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
“We’re sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your
wife,” said one trooper.
“Tell me! Did you find her?” Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, “We have some bad
news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, “Give me the bad
The trooper said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning
we found your wife’s body in Kachemak Bay .”
“Oh no!” exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, “and
What’s the good news?”
The trooper continued, “When we pulled her up, she had a dozen 25
pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.”
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, “If that’s the good news, what’s
the great news?”
The trooper said, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow.”
People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation..
People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers..
People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X..
And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y.
Why do we call the last group Generation Y?
Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?
A cartoonist explained it very eloquently
Bonnie McFarlane on The Toughest Language…
I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not
fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.
What An Ugly Duck…
My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river. As the boat circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds. My husband put his hands in the air and joked, “Don’t shoot!”
The hunter responded, “Don’t quack.”
Eliza Bayne on Bikini Dangers
Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”
Bloody Good Question
How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town.
How Russian Tour Guides See America
Here’s a guide to American culture for Russians visiting the U.S., straight from Russian tour books:
“Women play a greater role in business. Often they insist to be treated exactly as an equal and not as a lady.”
“As a rule, the [social] invitation will be only on a weekend, and you don’t have to prepare for something extravagant. Everything is the same as ours, only with far less booze.”
“‘See you later’ should not be taken literally. That is a courtesy, and no more.”
Lew Schneider on Sunblock
We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.
The Smell of Delta
Delta Airlines is infusing its cabins with a lavender-and-chamomile scent called Calm. The Week asked its readers to come up with a better name to match “the ambience of the packed economy cabin.”
“Eau the Humanity” — Serena Meyer
“Giorgio’s Arm-on-me” — Wade Etheredge
“Chanel No. 5 Inches of Legroom” — Austin King
“Claustrophobique” — Cynthia Pocali
“Mist Connection” — Cary Berkowitz
“The 99 Per-scent”
A hotel minibar allows you to see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.
Baggage Claim Karma
As I waited for my luggage at the airport, a man lifted my suitcase off the baggage carousel.
“Excuse me,” I shouted. “That’s my suitcase.”
The man shot back defensively, “Well, somebody took mine!”
Demetri Martin’s Summer Plans
This summer, I’m going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say “Get a life” on them.
A blonde was selling her pet python on Gumtree.
A fellow rang up and asked if it was big.
She said: “It’s massive.” He said: “How many feet?”
She said: “None – it’s a f***ing snake!”
A fellow walks into a dentist’s surgery and says, “Excuse me, can you
help me. I think I’m a moth.” “You don’t need a dentist. You need a
psychiatrist.” “Yes, I know.” “So, why did you come in here?” “The light was on.”
A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free. “Wait a minute,” said one of the researchers, “Wouldn’t it be a kindness if our ship’s doctor here were to amputate the creature’s feet so that it would be just like its mates?” “Not on your life,” exclaimed the doctor, that would be defeeting the porpoise.”
“Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” I asked my friend. “He wants to be a garbage man,” he replied. “That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.” “Not really. He thinks that garbage men only work on Tuesdays.”
“Did you give the prisoner the third degree?” the police sergeant asked the detective. “Yeah, we browbeat him pretty good,” nodded the other. “Asked him every question we could think of.” “And did you get a confession?” asked the sergeant. “Not exactly,” explained the officer. “All he’d say was, ‘ Yes dear’ , and doze off.”
A man and his wife are watching a pay-per-view boxing match on TV.
The husband sighs and says, “Man, what a rip off! It was all over in three minutes!” The wife mutters, “Now you know how I feel.”
LAUGHTER IS SO MEDICINAL
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,
” What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”
The woman replies, “It’s Frank, the dwarf.”
Old age ain’t for wimps… it beats dying young.
HELL TO GET OLD…
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”
The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”
Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”
The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.” The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.” The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.” The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.” The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”
So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?”
The old man said, “I thought it was GAS – but I was wrong, too!”
Two years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date, today I asked her to marry me.
She said no, on both occasions.
Insurance clerk: “Where were you born, Sir?”
Man: “In the United States.”
Insurance clerk: “OK, and which part?”
Man: “My entire body.”
My wife is a bit weird. She always starts her talking with “Michael, are you listening to me?”
A man hired a lawyer when he got sued by his company for embezzlement of many millions. At the beginning of the process, the lawyer kindly reassured him: „Don’t worry, you’ll never go to jail with that amount of money.“
And the lawyer was right. When the man did go to jail eventually, he didn’t have a penny anymore.
Just came home from a training session. Two hours on the treadmill did me really good. If only I could somehow stop the constant beeping and the irritated comments of the cashier.
Does your dog bite?
Oh, so how do you feed him?
“Waiter, take your thumb off my schnitzel immediately!”
“Oh yeah? And have it fall down again!?”
My SMS autocorrect just changed “I’m so concerned with existential anxieties it is difficult to breathe” to “I feel great”
“Your waffle iron isn’t working, dear!”
“Please just stay away from my laptop grandma!!!”
The police stops a computer hardware engineer: “Your light isn’t working. You have to get off your bike.”
IT guy: “I tried that but the light still isn’t working.”
Bus driver to passenger: Don’t you want to sit down?
Passenger: No, I am in a hurry.
One day, fridges will take their revenge. They will burst into your bedroom in the middle of the night, switch the light on, stare at you for a few minutes and then leave.
What did the judge ask when he went to the dentist?
“Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?”
My friend boasted he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain where Buddha actually comes from.
Q: What did the tall chimney say to the small chimney?
A: “Hey, you’re way too young to smoke.”
Q. Why do the French like to eat snails so much?
A. They can’t stand fast food.
Husband: “Oh the weather is lovely today. Shall we go out for a quick jog?“
Wife: “Hahaha, I love the way you pronounce ‘Shall we go out and have a cake’!”
Daddy did you know that girls are smarter than boys?
No, I didn’t know that.
There you go.
Late one night a mugger wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. “Give me your money,” he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, “You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!” “Oh! In that case,” smiled the robber, “Give me MY money!”
A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.
A boy breaks on old vase at a rich uncle‘s house. The uncle gets extremely angry and yells: “Do you even know how old the vase was? It was from the 17th century!” The boy sagged in relief: “Oh, good that it wasn’t new.”
Why does it suck to be a penguin?
Because even when you get angry, you still look cute.
Harry prays to God: Dear Lord, please make me win the lottery. The next day Harry begs the Lord again: Please make it so I win the lottery, Lord! The next day, Harry again prays: Please, please, dear Lord, make me win the lottery! Suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, would you kindly go and buy a lottery ticket.
Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.
Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.
I’ve always thought my neighbors were quite nice people. But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi.
What did the stamp say to the envelope?
You stick with me and I will take you places!
A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?”
Lawyer says: “1000 US dollars for 3 questions.”
Man: “Wow – so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?”
Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third question?”
Bob: “Holy schmoozes, I just fell off a 30 ft ladder.”
Jim: “No way man, are you okay?”
Bob: “Yeah, luckily I was just on the first step.”
Are you two twins?
No, why do you ask?
Because mommy dressed you both in the same clothes.
OK that’s enough, your driver’s license please.
After waiting in line a long time, he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry, but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asked.
“Unbutton your shirt,” the woman requested. So he opened his shirt, revealing a chest full of curly silver hair. “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” the lady announced, and she processed his Social Security application. When he got home, the man excitedly told his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.
“You should have dropped your pants,” his wife replied, “you might have qualified for disability, too.”
At a wedding ceremony, the minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.
It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.
The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a baby.
She started slowly walking toward the pastor.
Everything quickly turned to chaos.
The bride slapped the groom.
The groom’s mother fainted.
The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The pastor asked the woman, “can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?”
The woman replied, “we can’t hear at the back.”
WHY PARENTS DRINK
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.
“Is your daddy home?”
Small voice whispered, “Yes, he’s out in the garden,”
“May I talk with him?”
The child whispered, “No.”
So the boss asked, “Well, is your Mommy there?”
“Yes, she’s out in the garden too.”
The boss asked; “May I talk with her?”
Again the ‘No’.
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”
“Yes”, whispered the child, “a policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, He’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men.”
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“It’s a helicopter” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
“The search team just landed a helicopter.”
“A search team?” said the boss “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…”ME”
THOUGHTS ON SEX…
“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.”
– Lynn Lavner
“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.” – Camille Paglia
“Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant.”
– George Burns
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.”
– Sharon Stone6
“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” – Tiger Woods
“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” – Jack Nicholson
“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” – Robin Williams
“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place” – Billy Crystal
“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.” – Robert De Niro
“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?” – Dustin Hoffman
“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked!” – Jerry Seinfeld
“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” – Robin Williams
“It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.” – Joan Rivers
“Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.” – Steve Martin
“You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.” – Elmo Phillips
“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.” – Oscar Wilde
“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.” – George Burns
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without alcohol, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
• Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
• People who say they suffer from constipation are full of shit.
• I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.
• I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
• I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
• Vagina jokes are not funny… Period.
• I couldn’t figure out my seatbelt, but then it clicked.
• I’m currently reading a book about anti-gravity, it’s impossible to put down.
• I hate insects puns, they really bug me.
• Jokes about unemployed people are not funny. They just don’t work.
• Whenever I undress in the bathroom, the shower gets turned on.
I remember the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from home.
I got him a Guinness.
He didn’t like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny. He didn’t like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager.
He didn’t. I had to drink it.
Then I thought maybe he’d like whiskey better than beer,
so we tried a Jameson’s — nope!
In desperation, I had him try a glass of Redbreast,
but he wouldn’t even smell it.
What could I do but drink it?
By the time I realised my lad just didn’t like to drink,
I was so whacked I could hardly push his pram back home.
• If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2.
• I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.
• The Unathletic Camper’s Baseball Glossary:
Baseball bat: a wooden or metal bar that can easily fly out of someone’s hands.
Foul ball: a moment when you think, Holy @#$%, I got a hit!
Babe Ruth: someone who people tell you was also overweight.
Right field: a quiet place where you can sit for long stretches and play with dandelions. Until suddenly you hear a clang and some shouting and immediately understand life is about to get much harder.
Fly ball: when the sun drops a boulder on your head.
Shortstop: a position that involves mostly ground balls and that you think maybe you can play.
Line drive: the reason you can’t play shortstop.
Innings: the amount of time left before afternoon snack, divided by nine.
• My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap.
After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?”
Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.”
• We were tearing down an old three-seater outhouse when my neighbor asked if she could have the single-plank, three-hole outhouse seat. I said sure.
Six months later, she invited me to her home. There she showed off her newly designed family room, complete with a single-plank, three-hole picture frame featuring her three grandchildren.
• Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”
• The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?”
My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …”
The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”
• How To Translate Work Emails:
I have a question. = I have 18 questions.
I’ll look into it. = I’ve already forgotten about it.
I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum.
Happy to discuss further. = Don’t ask me about this again.
No worries. = You really messed up this time.
Take care. = This is the last you’ll ever hear from me.
Cheers! = I have no respect for you or myself!