A man and his wife were having some problems at home and
were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man
realized that the next day, He would need his wife to wake him at
5:00 AM for an early morning business flight..
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM.’ He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
And he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
See why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
The bed. The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’
Men are not equipped for this kind of contest.
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy
nightie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything
you want.” So he tied her up and went golfing.
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags.
I won the lottery!”
The husband said, “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?” “Doesn’t matter,” she said. “Just get out.”
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: ‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’
“Can you read this?” the optician asked.
“Read t?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy.”
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
“I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.”
“Thank God,” said an elderly nun at the back. “I’m so tired of chardonnay.”
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly,her husband burst into the kitchen.
“Careful,” he said,”CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You’re cooking toomany at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need morebutter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’regoing to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVERlisten to me when you’re cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”


At the end of a tiny deserted bar in Liverpool Sat a scouser.
He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and
obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him. After three or four
beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the Scouser.
Leaning over towards him, he whispered, “Do you want a blow job?”
At this, the Scouser leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the crap out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the Scouser, and said, “I’ve never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?”
“I don’t know,” the Scouser replied. “Something about a job.”

‘How did the human race appear?’ The mother answered, ‘God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.’ Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, ‘Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.’ The confused girl returned to her mother and said, ‘Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?’ The mother answered, ‘Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.’

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and Neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
The husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’
‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day… 30,000 to a man’s 15,000. The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men… The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’

A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be So stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. ‘ The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she
probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I’d ever
had a Sportsman’s Double.
‘What’s that?’ I asked.
‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said.
I said, ‘Wow!’ – excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was ‘my lucky night’.
I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ‘Mum, you still awake?’

A retired couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Tamworth .
Bert always wanted a pair of R.M. WILLIAMS boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, ‘Notice anything different about me?’ Margaret looked him over. ‘No Darl.’ Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for new R.M. Williams boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, ‘Notice anything different NOW?’
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow, ’cause its always that way’
Furious, Bert yelled, ‘AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET? DO YOU?’ ‘No Darl’, she replied.
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,
‘Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.’

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:-
“Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the
food shortage in the rest of the world?”
The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.
In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.
In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.
In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.
In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.
In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.
In the US they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.
And finally…………………..
In Australia they hung up because they couldn’t understand the Indian accent.

An investment advisor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so
business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house
counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers.
“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “In a
business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward.
“Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?”
“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”
“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?” asked the investment advisor.
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”

Doctor, Doctor I kept thinking I’m a dog.
Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I’m not allowed up on the couch!

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!
Doc: Do you drink a lot?
Not really – I spill most of it!

Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.
Then you’ll have a bad headache.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m God!
Doc: When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the…

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!
Doc: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
Doc: I never make rash promises!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a frog!
Doc: So what’s wrong with that?
I think I’m going to croak!

There are two sisters, one is blonde and other is brunette and they
inherit the family farm. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are
In financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the
farm, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so
that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left. Upon leaving,
the brunette tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and return home.” The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, No less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my Sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our farm. I need her to hitch the trailer to our ute and drive out here so we can haul it home.” The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, and then adds, It’s just 99 cents a word.” Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her Sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, “I want you to send her the word “comfortable”.” The operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want HER to hitch the
trailer to your ute and drive out here to haul that bull back to your farm if you send her just the word comfortable?” The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. It’s a big word. She’ll read it very lowly…… “com-for-da-bul”

A Liverpudlian walks into a bank in Hope Street and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Scouser lad hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s Manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scouser for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Scally returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15..41. The loan officer says, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow “£5,000” ? The Scouser replies: “Where else in Liverpool can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'” Ah, the mind of the True Scouser.. This is why they survive

A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids… ‘WOW,’ the social worker exclaims, ‘Are they ALL yours? ‘Yeah they are all mine,’ the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, ‘Sit down Terry.’ All the children rush to find seats. ‘Well,’ says the social worker, ‘then you must be here to sign up. I’ll need all your children’s names.’ ‘This one’s my oldest – he is Terry.’ ‘OK, and who’s next?’
‘Well, this one he is Terry, also.’ The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. ‘All right,’ says the caseworker. ‘I’m seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?’ Their Mother replied, ‘Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Terry!’ An’ when it’s time for dinner, I just yell ‘Terry!’ an’they all come runnin.’ An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell ‘Terry’ and all of them stop. It’s the smartest idea I ever had, namin’ them all Terry.’ The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, ‘But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?’ ‘I call them by their surnames!’

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally
able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man
her late husband had been. “Sidney thought of everything,
” she told them. “Just before he died, Sidney called me to
his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. ‘Tillie,’ he told me, ‘I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace’.”
“What was in the envelopes?” her friends asked. “The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, ‘Please use this money to buy a nice casket.’ So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.” “The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, ‘Please use this for anice funeral ‘I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending.” “And the third envelope?” asked her friends. “The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, ‘Please use this to buy a nice stone.'” Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said… “So, do you like my stone?” showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
“You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home.”
“Why?” asked somebody from the audience. “I watched my wife’s routine at dinner for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.
One day I told her, ‘Honey, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’
“Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked. “Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in ten…”

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.
Andy’s wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asks her husband – “Darling, honestly, if you didn’t know me, what age would you say I am?” Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,… “Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.” “Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying… “WHOA, hold on there sweety!” Andy interrupted.
“I haven’t added them up yet!”

A man and his mother-in-law went to Jerusalem and while
they were there the mother-in-law passes away. The priest
says to the man, “for $150 we can bury your mother-in-law
here or for $5000 we can ship her back home to be buried.
The man replies, “oh I will definitely have her shipped back home because if
I remember correctly awhile back a man was buried here and after 3 days
he came back to life”.

Three men are sentenced to death by a firing squad. The first man is taken out and told to face the wall so he does but just as they’re going to shoot he shouts “earthquake” and the firing squad runs away. The second guy is brought out and told to face the wall and then shouts “tidal wave”. Again the firing squad runs away. The third man is brought out and just as the firing squad have him in their sights he shouts “FIRE”.

A blind man with his seeing eye dog are walking down a busy street in New York. The man comes to a cross walk to get to the other side of the busy street. The seeing eye dog proceeds to lead his master across the street in rush hour traffic. Cars are honking horns, screeching their brakes to avoid hitting the man and dog. The man finally makes it across the street, unbelievably safe and sound. The blind man reaches in his pocket for a dog biscuit. One man that witnessed this walked up to the blind man and said “Mister, I just saw that dog of yours take you across rush hour traffic, almost getting you killed and you are rewarding him?! The blind man said “I’m not rewarding him, I’m just trying to see which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass!”

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
“Are you crazy?” yelled the customer, “with your hand on my steak?”
“What” answers the waiter, “You want it to fall on the floor again?”

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what’s up. He’s quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he’s quite itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal’s office, to phone his mum, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there’s a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. “I thought I told you to call your mom” she says. “I did” he says. “She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school.”

Two ropes walk in to a bar, one rope calls the bartender and says “Barkeep, let me get a couple of beers.” The bartender says “I’m sorry we dont serve ropes in here.”

Frustrated the ropes walk out and, since this was the only bar in town, they thought about it a little while when finally one rope says “I’ve got an idea.” So he gets him self into a bind and frizzles his ends and walks back into the bar and says “Barkeep, can I get a couple of beers.”

The barkeep says “Sure, but aren’t you those same two ropes that came in here earlier?” The rope answers “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”

A commercial airplane is in flight to Chicago, when a blonde woman sitting in economy gets up and moves to an open seat in the first class section. A flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must return to her seat in the economy class because that’s the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde woman replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.”

After repeated attempts and no success convicing the woman to return to economy, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there’s a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.” He kneels down next to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

“I told her first class isn’t going to Chicago.”

“How was your golf game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife.
“Well I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad
I couldn’t see where the ball went.”
“Well you’re 75 years old now, Jack, why don’t you take my
brother Scott along?” suggested his wife.
“But he’s 85 and doesn’t even play golf anymore,” protested Jack.
“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,” his wife pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Do you see it?” asked Jack.
“Yup,” Scott answered.
“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
“I forgot.”

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined!”
“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer.
“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”
“No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court.”
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!”
Confidently the lawyer responded, “I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.”
“But I did send them.”, replied the man.
“What?” shouted the lawyer.
“I sure did, that’s how we won the case… good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff’s business card.”

Two farmers were discussing politics and the first one says: “I believe in a share and share alike policy. One where we are all equal.”
“Well” replied the other farmer “I’m not sure about that. What you mean is that if you have two horses you’d give me one?”
“Of course” says the first.
The second farmer continued: “and if you had two cars, you’d give me one of them too?”
“So” says the second farmer, “if you had two pigs then you’d give me one of them?”
“Ah, now hang on a minute” says the first, “you know I’ve got two pigs!”

This Policeman pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
“I was only going 40!” the driver protested.
“Not according to my radar,” the officer replied.
“Yes, I was!” the man shouted back.
“No you weren’t!” the policeman said, starting to get annoyed. With that, the man’s wife leaned toward the window and said,
“Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he’s been drinking.”

It was New Year’s Eve … by then, actually, it was very early on
New Year’s morning. The drunk staggered out of the men’s room
and wobbled his way to the bar. “I, uh, lll…, I’ll ha-have anudder.
Maske itta dubble.” The bartender looks him over and notices the vomit
staining the front of the drunk’s sharp looking suit. “Buddy, it looks to me
like you’ve had quite enough. Why don’t you call it a night and go home.”
The drunk protests… “N-n-no! I ca-can’t. My, my wife, you, you see… She gammie this new shoot for Chrishmash. Iff she seez what Ife done to it… She, she’s gunna kill m-me. Juss gimmie a doubble…”
“Tell you what,” the bartender says. “You got any 20 dollar bills on you?”
The drunk pulls out his wallet and thumbs through and replies… “Y-yeah, I got a few….” The bartender takes one of the twenties and stuffs it in the shirt pocket of the poor drunk. “There you go buddy. When your wife asks you what happened, you just tell here that you were innocently passing by the bar on your way home when some boozer staggers out, holds onto you, and barfs all over you. He then apologizes and shoves a twenty in your pocket so you can get the suit dry cleaned!”
“B-br-brilliant!”, the drunk exclaims excitedly. “Thish jush might w-work!”
The drunk goes home and sure enough, his wife is waiting up for him, rolling pin in hand. “Look at you! You’re a disgrace! Look at what you’ve done to your new suit!”
“N-no hunnybunsh,” the drunk stammers… “Y-you see, I was juss passing by the b-ba-bar when this drunken sod stumbles out, b-ba-bar-barfs all over me, and then he shoved a twenty dollar bill in my pocket, he sez, so I, I can get my suit drykleened…”
The wife looks in the drunk’s pocket and pulls out the money.
“Wait a minute…” the wife says, “there are TWO twenty dollar bills in your pocket.”
The drunk reels, regroups, and explains… “Wha-wha… Well thass because after he puked on me, he … he took a crap in my pants!”

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch – he couldn’t return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “One million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.” The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer.”

An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
“You ave been to France before, monsieur?” the Customs Officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. “Then you should know enough to ave your passport ready” replied the Customs officer.
The elderly gentleman said, ‘The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it”.
“Impossible!” said the Customs Officer. “Ze British always have to show their passports on arrival in France !”
The man gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.
“Well, when I came ashore on the Beach on D-Day in 1944, I couldn’t find any f***ing Frenchmen to show it to”.

A blind man was describing his favorite sport
– parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that
things were all done for him:
“I am placed in the door and told when to jump.
My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”
“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.
“I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground,” he answered.
But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked. He quickly answered “Oh, that’s the easy part. It’s when the dog’s leash goes slack.”

There was a man that was stranded, standing on nothing but a rock in the middle of the sea, waiting for someone to come. Then along comes a boat.
The man on the boat asks ‘do you want any help?’ Man on the rock replies ‘no- the Lord will save me’-so then the man on the boat went away. A helicopter then came and asked him ‘do you want any help?’ The man replied ‘no – the Lord will save me!’ Then along comes another man on a boat and asks ‘do you want any help?’ and he said ‘no-the Lord will save me’.
By this stage he was up to his neck in water. He then drowned. He was at the holy gates and asked St. Peter ‘why didn’t the Lord save me????’
St.Peter said’ he sent you 2 boats a helicpter-what more do you want!?’

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Smith looked out the window. “Good lord!” he screamed, “one of the engines just caught fire!” Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine caught fire on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn’t maintain order.
Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft.
There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached one of the packages to their backs. “Say,” an alert passenger spoke up, “aren’t those parachutes?” The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, “But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?” “There isn’t,” replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. “We’re going to get help.”

I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his ample stomach.
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I quipped, “I don’t think that is going to help much, hon?”
“Sure it does,” he said. “How else can I can see the numbers!”

I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their
cups of money at me. Do they really have to rub it in
that they’ve got more cash than I do?
Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?
And more importantly, where is my hamster?
A boss announces to his staff: “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”
A voice in the background says: “I’m offering 200!”
“Mom, how come I still didn’t get my period? I mean I’m already 19 and Janet got hers when she was just 13!”
“Listen to me, Brian, you’re NOT getting a period ever!”
Peter comes very drunk home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?”
“No”, she replies sleepily.
“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!”
Emily replies groans: “Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!”
Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place and they just can’t shut up asking you stupid questions like “what do you want” and “who are you” and “omg is that a real gun?”
Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”
Man: “I had to get to work.”
Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”
Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.
I’m not happy with this and I’d like to exchange it please.
Come again? That’s your bank statement Mr Dibbley!
I said exchange it!!!
In a bakery:
Man to the shop assistant: “I’ll have that thing there, please.”
Shop assistant: “Cupcake?”
Man: “OK, Cupcake, I’ll have that thing there, please.”
I’ve read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently that I made a new, firm New Year’s resolution: NO MORE READING!
Two blind dudes are fighting really viciously. How do you stop them?
You shout, “I’m betting on the dude with the knife!”
At a psychiatric ward: “Doctor, what should we do with the new guy in room 6? He believes he’s a wolf.”
Doctor: “Whatever you do, don’t let his grandmother visit!”

Mother: Eat your bread.
Child: I don’t like bread. Why do I have to eat the bread.
Mother: So you become big and strong.
Child: Why do I have to become big and strong?
Mother: So you can provide the daily bread to your family.
Child: But I don’t like bread!
A guy calls the fire department and yells excitedly: “You have to come, now, there’s a fire!”
“OK sir, but please tell us how do we get to you.”
The man asks, puzzled: “What, you don’t have them big red trucks anymore?”
Life Hack:
If you’re tired of waiting at a restaurant, just call their number and ask if they also deliver to table 16.
That moment when you’ve changed your answer in an exam in the very last second and later you realize the original answer was correct.
Why didn’t the dinosaur cross the road?
Because there weren’t even any roads during the Jurassic Period!
Hello doctor, can you look at my laptop?
It looks like it caught a virus.
Paul to Jane: Would you like to be my girlfriend?
Jane: That’s a bit direct. Can’t you come up with something more beautiful?
Paul: I tried, but they didn’t want.
The local minister sees that every morning, some apples on his tree are missing. He makes a sign:
God sees everything.
The next morning, somebody writes under it: Yes, but he’s not a snitch.
Why do you call your dog ”I-know-what-you-did”?
I love how many people jump 3 feet high when I start calling him.
Q: How many times could old Noah go fishing?
A: Only twice. He only had 2 worms.
What did one candle say to the other?
A: I’ll be going out tonight.
Financially I‘m set for life. Provided I die next Wednesday.
An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his cell phone.
“Honey,” she says in a worried voice, “please be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the highway.”
“Oh it’s worse than that,” he replies, “there are hundreds of them!”
How come the barber won the race?
The cheater took a short cut.

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.
Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have
only 10 to live.” Patient: “What do you mean, 10? 10 what?
Months? Weeks?!” Doctor: “Nine.”
A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother? My name is Paul.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? – Snowballs.
Mother: “How was school today, Patrick?”
Patrick: “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”
Mother: “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?” Patrick: “What school?”
“Mom, where do tampons go?” “Where the babies come from, darling.”
“In the stork?”
Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.” The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.” Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”
Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”
Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.” Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?” Doctor: “Every two hours.”
Sleep with an open window tonight! 1400 mosquitos like that. 420 mosquitos commented on it. 210 mosquitos shared this.One mosquito invited for the event. 2800 mosquitos will be attending the event.
“My wife suffers from a drinking problem.” – “Oh is she an alcoholic?” – “No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”
I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss. I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.
Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man. But hell does that burn!
A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”
Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“
Doctor: “Do you do sports?” Patient: “Does sex count?” Doctor: “Yes.”
Patient: “Then no.”
Oh darling, since you’ve started dieting, you’ve become such a passionate kisser… What do you mean, passionate? I’m looking for food remains!

It is important to make breaks between individual
exercises. I personally stick to breaks of about
3-4 years.
Sometimes I drink water – just to surprise my liver.
Hearing voices in your head is normal. Listening to them is quite
common. Arguing with them – acceptable. It is only when you lose
that argument that you get in real trouble.
Of course I have a talent. I’m really good in bed. Sometimes I sleep more than 9 hours in one go.
“If I wanted to commit suicide, I would climb up to the height of your ego and jump down to your IQ level.”
According to my mirror I am pregnant. The father is Nutella.
… and out of the chaos, a sentence came to me:
“Laugh and be happy, it could be worse!”
… and so I laughed and was happy and it really became worse.
If you had to decide between a diet and a piece of chocolate, would you prefer dark, white or milk chocolate?
Organized people are simply too lazy to search for stuff.
A jellyfish has existed as a species for 500 million years, surviving just fine without a brain. That gives hope to quite a few people.
My relationship is like an iPad. I don’t have an iPad.
I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. I am perfect.
If I can still lie on the ground without having to hold myself, I’m not drunk.
Do people talk about you behind your back? Simply fart.
They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes. I did the math. Seems I died in 1543.
As long as cocoa beans grow on trees, chocolate is fruit to me.
There are people who are a living proof that total brain failure does not always lead to physical death.
When somebody doesn’t get something:
I’m sorry, I have neither the patience, nor the coloring crayons to explain this to you.
Finally, the spring is here! I’m so thrilled I wet my plants.
If you’re having a bad day, remember some adults wear braces.

Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your
tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway
down. That will be 300 dollars.
-Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at
the garage.
Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.
Q. Why do the French like to eat snails so much?
A. They can’t stand fast food.
Husband: “Oh the weather is lovely today. Shall we go out for a quick jog?“
Wife: “Hahaha, I love the way you pronounce ‘Shall we go out and have a cake’!”
A guest calls the waiter and complains, “How come there are no chairs at our table?!”
The waiter shrugs, “I’m sorry but you only booked one table”
Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Mother: Why didn’t you use a coaster!
I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance.
I’ve been really depressed lately. A friend told me I should go to the petting zoo perhaps, to cheer up.
I went today, but not one person would stroke me.
I forgot my cell phone when I went to the toilet yesterday. We have 245 tiles.
How many gorillas can fit into a car? Eight.
How many chickens can fit into the car? None, the car is already full of gorillas.
She: I have a doctor’s appointment today but I really don’t want to go…
He: Just call in sick then.
A girl asks a boy: “Peter, how much do you love me?”
The boy looks her in the eyes, “Look up at the stars, that’s how much I love you.”
The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”
Boy nods, “Exactly!”
A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.
A boy breaks an old vase at a rich uncle‘s house. The uncle gets extremely angry and yells: “Do you even know how old the vase was? It was from the 17th century!” The boy sagged in relief: “Oh, good that it wasn’t new.”
I’ve always thought my neighbors were quite nice people. But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

Patient to his doctor: I have forgotten so many things lately, and
it’s getting worse. What can I do?
Doctor: Yes, this is a known illness, unfortunately it has no cure.
I’d also like to remind you about the 800 USD that you owe me?
A camel meets an elephant. The elephant asks jokingly: “Why do you have two breasts on your back?” The camel replies: “With a face like yours, I’d just shut up.”
I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me. Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?
I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me. Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?
Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?
And more importantly, where is my hamster?
Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”
“Mom, how come I still didn’t get my period? I mean I’m already 19 and Janet got hers when she was just 13!”
“Listen to me, Brian, you’re NOT getting a period ever!”
Peter comes very drunk home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?” “No”, she replies sleepily.
“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!”
Emily replies groans: “Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!”
Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place and they just can’t shut up asking you stupid questions like “what do you want” and “who are you” and “omg is that a real gun?”
Would you cheat on your wife? On whom else would I be cheating?!
Judge: “Why did you steal the car?” Man: “I had to get to work.” Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?” Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.
In a bakery:
Man to the shop assistant: “I’ll have that thing there, please.” Shop assistant: “Cupcake?”
Man: “OK, Cupcake, I’ll have that thing there, please.”
I’ve read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently that I made a new, firm New Year’s resolution: NO MORE READING!
Two blind dudes are fighting really viciously. How do you stop them?
You shout, “I’m betting on the dude with the knife!”
Some nice Chinese couple gave me a very good camera down by the Washington Monument.
I didn’t really understand what they were saying, but it was very nice of them.
Mom, do you know that most of my friends got the new iPhone already?
Son, do you know the foster home down by the crossroads?
Did anyone notice that the “&”symbol looks like a dog dragging his butt across the floor?
A guy goes to the doctor: “Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking in my right eye that I just can’t control.” Doctor: “Ah come on, it’s not so bad as you think.”
Guy: “Oh, you think?! Every time I go to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!”

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting
alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes and a glass eye
comes flying out of her socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches
it from the air and hands it back to her.
“This is so embarrassing,” the woman says, and she pops her eye back in
place. “I’m sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you.
May I join you?” He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, “You are the most charming woman I’ve ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies. “You just happened to catch my eye.”

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of ​Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains,
“It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”
“Hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

How one spelling mistake in a hurry can ruin your life.
While I was away on a business trip I wrote a romantic message to my wife and I missed an “e”. Now this mistake has caused me to seek police protection to enter my own house. All I wrote was, “Hi darling I’m enjoying and experiencing the best time of my life & I wish you were her!

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

1. No thanks, I’m married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. No thanks, I’m not hungry.
5. I’m not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and would hate to look like a real Fool!
7. Oh no, I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

I think seniors are very SMART! Great Advice!

1. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

2. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

3. You know that “thingy” little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.

4. I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim” I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

5. Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought “nap time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

6. The biggest lie I tell myself is…”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

7. I don’t have grey hair; I have “wisdom highlights.” I’m just very wise.

8. Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

9. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have placed them on my knees.

10. Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

11. Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

12. At my age “getting lucky” means walking into a room and actually remembering what I came in there for.

13. I am what is called a “Seenager” (senior teenager). 
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. I have an ID that gets me into bars and the whiskey store.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.

I called an old classmate and asked what he was doing.
He replied that he was working on “Aqua-thermal treatment of
ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment.”
I was impressed…
Upon further inquiring, I learned that he was
washing dishes with hot water under his wife’s supervision.

Dorothy and Edna, two “senior” widows, are talking.
Dorothy: “That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”
Edna: “Well, I’ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what’s there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me – three times!”
Dorothy: “Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn’t go?”
Edna: “No, no, no… I’m just saying, wear an old dress.”

​​A guy calls the company and orders their 5 day – 5kg weight loss program.
The next day, there’s a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from J.C.. Dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. The sign reads, ‘If you can catch me, you can have me.’ Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has Lost 5kgs as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5day – 10kg program.
The next day there’s a knock at the door and standing before him is
The most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her
Neck that reads, ‘If you catch me, you can have me’.
Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually
Getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers
That he has lost another 10kgs, as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day – 25kg program.
‘Are you sure?’ asks the representative on the phone.. ‘This is our most rigorous program.’
‘Absolutely,’ he replies, ‘I haven’t felt this good in years.’
The next day there’s a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds
A huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes
And a sign around his neck that reads,
‘If I catch you, you’re mine.’
He lost 31kgs that week…

Lying around, pondering the problems of the world,
I realized that, at my age,
I don’t really give a rats anymore.

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish,
and drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs, and hops, and only lives15 years,
while a tortoise doesn’t run,
and does mostly nothing,
yet it lives for 150 years.
And they tell us to exercise? I don’t think so.

Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.
7. Some days, you’re the top dog, some days you’re the hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
12. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.
13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
14. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
15. It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They’re everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth..
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . .
I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m “here after”.
18. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.

I would like to share an experience about drinking and
As you know some people have brushes with the authorities
on their way home. Well I for one have done something about it.
The other night I was out for a dinner and a few drinks, and having had
far too much vino, and knowing full well I was over the limit, I did something
I have never done before.
I took a bus home and arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise,
I have never driven a bus before.
A good fish tale……..

Alaska (where life is tough and humor is dark):
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an
Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
“We’re sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your
wife,” said one trooper.
“Tell me! Did you find her?” Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, “We have some bad
news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, “Give me the bad
news first.”
The trooper said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning
we found your wife’s body in Kachemak Bay .”
“Oh no!” exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, “and
What’s the good news?”
The trooper continued, “When we pulled her up, she had a dozen 25
pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.”
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, “If that’s the good news, what’s
the great news?”
The trooper said, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow.”
People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation..
People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers..
People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X..
And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y.

Why do we call the last group Generation Y?

Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?

A cartoonist explained it very eloquently 

Bonnie McFarlane on The Toughest Language…
I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not
fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.

What An Ugly Duck…
My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river. As the boat circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds. My husband put his hands in the air and joked, “Don’t shoot!”
The hunter responded, “Don’t quack.”

Eliza Bayne on Bikini Dangers
Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”

Bloody Good Question
How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town.

How Russian Tour Guides See America
Here’s a guide to American culture for Russians visiting the U.S., straight from Russian tour books:
“Women play a greater role in business. Often they insist to be treated exactly as an equal and not as a lady.”
“As a rule, the [social] invitation will be only on a weekend, and you don’t have to prepare for something extravagant. Everything is the same as ours, only with far less booze.”
“‘See you later’ should not be taken literally. That is a courtesy, and no more.”

Lew Schneider on Sunblock
We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.

The Smell of Delta
Delta Airlines is infusing its cabins with a lavender-and-chamomile scent called Calm. The Week asked its readers to come up with a better name to match “the ambience of the packed economy cabin.”
“Eau the Humanity” — Serena Meyer
“Giorgio’s Arm-on-me” — Wade Etheredge
“Chanel No. 5 Inches of Legroom” — Austin King
“Claustrophobique” — Cynthia Pocali
“Mist Connection” — Cary Berkowitz
“The 99 Per-scent”

Hotel Time-Travel
A hotel minibar allows you to see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.

Baggage Claim Karma
As I waited for my luggage at the airport, a man lifted my suitcase off the baggage carousel.
“Excuse me,” I shouted. “That’s my suitcase.”
The man shot back defensively, “Well, somebody took mine!”

Demetri Martin’s Summer Plans
This summer, I’m going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say “Get a life” on them.

A blonde was selling her pet python on Gumtree.
A fellow rang up and asked if it was big.
She said: “It’s massive.” He said: “How many feet?”
She said: “None – it’s a f***ing snake!”
A fellow walks into a dentist’s surgery and says, “Excuse me, can you
help me. I think I’m a moth.” “You don’t need a dentist. You need a
psychiatrist.” “Yes, I know.” “So, why did you come in here?” “The light was on.”
A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free. “Wait a minute,” said one of the researchers, “Wouldn’t it be a kindness if our ship’s doctor here were to amputate the creature’s feet so that it would be just like its mates?” “Not on your life,” exclaimed the doctor, that would be defeeting the porpoise.”
“Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” I asked my friend. “He wants to be a garbage man,” he replied. “That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.” “Not really. He thinks that garbage men only work on Tuesdays.”
“Did you give the prisoner the third degree?” the police sergeant asked the detective. “Yeah, we browbeat him pretty good,” nodded the other. “Asked him every question we could think of.” “And did you get a confession?” asked the sergeant. “Not exactly,” explained the officer. “All he’d say was, ‘ Yes dear’ , and doze off.”
A man and his wife are watching a pay-per-view boxing match on TV.
The husband sighs and says, “Man, what a rip off! It was all over in three minutes!” The wife mutters, “Now you know how I feel.”
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,
” What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”
The woman replies, “It’s Frank, the dwarf.”
Old age ain’t for wimps… it beats dying young.
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”
The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”
Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”
The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.” The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.” The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.” The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.” The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”
So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?”
The old man said, “I thought it was GAS – but I was wrong, too!”

Two years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date, today I asked her to marry me.
She said no, on both occasions.
Insurance clerk: “Where were you born, Sir?”
Man: “In the United States.”
Insurance clerk: “OK, and which part?”
Man: “My entire body.”
My wife is a bit weird. She always starts her talking with “Michael, are you listening to me?”
A man hired a lawyer when he got sued by his company for embezzlement of many millions. At the beginning of the process, the lawyer kindly reassured him: „Don’t worry, you’ll never go to jail with that amount of money.“
And the lawyer was right. When the man did go to jail eventually, he didn’t have a penny anymore.
Just came home from a training session. Two hours on the treadmill did me really good. If only I could somehow stop the constant beeping and the irritated comments of the cashier.
Does your dog bite?
Oh, so how do you feed him?
“Waiter, take your thumb off my schnitzel immediately!”
“Oh yeah? And have it fall down again!?”
My SMS autocorrect just changed “I’m so concerned with existential anxieties it is difficult to breathe” to “I feel great”
“Your waffle iron isn’t working, dear!”
“Please just stay away from my laptop grandma!!!”
The police stops a computer hardware engineer: “Your light isn’t working. You have to get off your bike.”
IT guy: “I tried that but the light still isn’t working.”
Bus driver to passenger: Don’t you want to sit down?
Passenger: No, I am in a hurry.
One day, fridges will take their revenge. They will burst into your bedroom in the middle of the night, switch the light on, stare at you for a few minutes and then leave.
What did the judge ask when he went to the dentist?
“Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?”
My friend boasted he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain where Buddha actually comes from.
Q: What did the tall chimney say to the small chimney?
A: “Hey, you’re way too young to smoke.”

Q. Why do the French like to eat snails so much?
A. They can’t stand fast food.
Husband: “Oh the weather is lovely today. Shall we go out for a quick jog?“
Wife: “Hahaha, I love the way you pronounce ‘Shall we go out and have a cake’!”
Daddy did you know that girls are smarter than boys?
No, I didn’t know that.
There you go.
Late one night a mugger wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. “Give me your money,” he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, “You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!” “Oh! In that case,” smiled the robber, “Give me MY money!”
A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.
A boy breaks on old vase at a rich uncle‘s house. The uncle gets extremely angry and yells: “Do you even know how old the vase was? It was from the 17th century!” The boy sagged in relief: “Oh, good that it wasn’t new.”
Why does it suck to be a penguin?
Because even when you get angry, you still look cute.
Harry prays to God: Dear Lord, please make me win the lottery. The next day Harry begs the Lord again: Please make it so I win the lottery, Lord! The next day, Harry again prays: Please, please, dear Lord, make me win the lottery! Suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, would you kindly go and buy a lottery ticket.
Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.
Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.
I’ve always thought my neighbors were quite nice people. But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi.
What did the stamp say to the envelope?
You stick with me and I will take you places!
A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?”
Lawyer says: “1000 US dollars for 3 questions.”
Man: “Wow – so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?”
Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third question?”
Bob: “Holy schmoozes, I just fell off a 30 ft ladder.”
Jim: “No way man, are you okay?”
Bob: “Yeah, luckily I was just on the first step.”
Are you two twins?
No, why do you ask?
Because mommy dressed you both in the same clothes.
OK that’s enough, your driver’s license please.

After waiting in line a long time, he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry, but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asked.
“Unbutton your shirt,” the woman requested. So he opened his shirt, revealing a chest full of curly silver hair. “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” the lady announced, and she processed his Social Security application. When he got home, the man excitedly told his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.
“You should have dropped your pants,” his wife replied, “you might have qualified for disability, too.”
At a wedding ceremony, the minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.
It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.
The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a baby.
She started slowly walking toward the pastor.
Everything quickly turned to chaos.
The bride slapped the groom.
The groom’s mother fainted.
The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The pastor asked the woman, “can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?”
The woman replied, “we can’t hear at the back.”
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.
“Is your daddy home?”
Small voice whispered, “Yes, he’s out in the garden,”
“May I talk with him?”
The child whispered, “No.”
So the boss asked, “Well, is your Mommy there?”
“Yes, she’s out in the garden too.”
The boss asked; “May I talk with her?”
Again the ‘No’.
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”
“Yes”, whispered the child, “a policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, He’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men.”
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“It’s a helicopter” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
“The search team just landed a helicopter.”
“A search team?” said the boss “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…”ME”

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”
– Rodney Dangerfield

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.”
– Lynn Lavner

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.” – Camille Paglia

“Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant.”
– George Burns

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.”
– Sharon Stone6

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” – Tiger Woods

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” – Jack Nicholson

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” – Robin Williams

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place” – Billy Crystal

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.” – Robert De Niro

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?” – Dustin Hoffman

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked!” – Jerry Seinfeld

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” – Robin Williams

“It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.” – Joan Rivers

“Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.” – Steve Martin

“You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.” – Elmo Phillips

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.” – Oscar Wilde

“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.” – George Burns

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without alcohol, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
• Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
• People who say they suffer from constipation are full of shit.
• I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.
• I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
• I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
• Vagina jokes are not funny… Period.
• I couldn’t figure out my seatbelt, but then it clicked.
• I’m currently reading a book about anti-gravity, it’s impossible to put down.
• I hate insects puns, they really bug me.
• Jokes about unemployed people are not funny. They just don’t work.
• Whenever I undress in the bathroom, the shower gets turned on.
I remember the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from home.
I got him a Guinness.
He didn’t like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny. He didn’t like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager.
He didn’t. I had to drink it.
Then I thought maybe he’d like whiskey better than beer,
so we tried a Jameson’s — nope!
In desperation, I had him try a glass of Redbreast,
but he wouldn’t even smell it.
What could I do but drink it?
By the time I realised my lad just didn’t like to drink,
I was so whacked I could hardly push his pram back home.

• If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2.

• I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.

• The Unathletic Camper’s Baseball Glossary:
Baseball bat: a wooden or metal bar that can easily fly out of someone’s hands.
Foul ball: a moment when you think, Holy @#$%, I got a hit!
Babe Ruth: someone who people tell you was also overweight.
Right field: a quiet place where you can sit for long stretches and play with dandelions. Until suddenly you hear a clang and some shouting and immediately understand life is about to get much harder.
Fly ball: when the sun drops a boulder on your head.
Shortstop: a position that involves mostly ground balls and that you think maybe you can play.
Line drive: the reason you can’t play shortstop.
Innings: the amount of time left before afternoon snack, divided by nine.

• My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap.
After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?”
Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.”

• We were tearing down an old three-seater outhouse when my neighbor asked if she could have the single-plank, three-hole outhouse seat. I said sure.
Six months later, she invited me to her home. There she showed off her newly designed family room, complete with a single-plank, three-hole picture frame featuring her three grandchildren.

• Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”

• The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?”
My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …”
The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”

• How To Translate Work Emails:
I have a question. = I have 18 questions.
I’ll look into it. = I’ve already forgotten about it.
I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum.
Happy to discuss further. = Don’t ask me about this again.
No worries. = You really messed up this time.
Take care. = This is the last you’ll ever hear from me.
Cheers! = I have no respect for you or myself!